Hate Me
by yourbrainversusmytractorbeam
Summary: Oneshot,SasuxSaku,songfic, After their deaths, depression was inevitable, drinking seemed the only option to make it go away. But he’s hurting her, and now there’s only one thing to do. But it’s not long before he realizes he’s too selfish to leave her


They had been going out for months now, boyfriend and girlfriend

_**Hate me:**_ Oneshot, SasuxSaku, songfic:Hate Me, After their deaths, depression was inevitable, drinking seemed the only option to make it go away. But he's hurting her, and now there's only one thing to do. But it's not long before he realizes he's too selfish to let it go.

Song: Hate Me, by Blue October

Personally, I don't' like this too much, but the song was stuck in my head…meh whatever…

XxXxX

They had been going out for months now, boyfriend and girlfriend. He found himself easily warming up to her, trusting her easy-going warm charm, constant smile, and forever loving gestures.

Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura.

The entire school knew it would happen eventually. It only took a couple (well okay, _a lot_) of nudges in the back, before they both realized it.

And from there on out, it was like a fairy tail.

He treated her the best he could, holding her hand when he knew she wanted it, despite his constant lack of emotion, hugging her, kissing her when she didn't think he would. He wanted it to be perfect…his first real relationship.

Sakura was thrilled. She couldn't have been happier. When he wouldn't talk, she'd either chatter to fill the silence, or simply be content with sitting there with him, letting him think in peace. She knew he didn't understand why she put up with him. With his anti-social, cold demeanor. But it was fine with her. It was how he was, and she wouldn't want him to change a thing. She especially loved it when he would show he cared. Those chance kisses made her day. And when he'd suddenly get over- protective when a guy looked at her for a little too long.

Sasuke loved the feel of her against him. The way everything about her contrasted so greatly with him. Her long soft rose-colored hair and his spiky raven hair. His paper white skin, her creamy sun-kissed skin. Her emerald eyes and his onyx. Her bubbly, outgoing self and his quiet, almost bitter personality. How she could bring out his best side—the one that actually cared for her—even when he wanted to smash someone's face in.

_So neither of them expected it…. when the threads they worked so hard to string together, to wind them to each other, began to fall apart…_

It wasn't anything they really had control over. It wasn't like they stopped loving each other. Far from it.

It was the death of his family to be frank.

He didn't know what to do, what to think. They were just…dead. Always there, but gone so suddenly.

And it frightened him.

He could lose her that easily, just like he lost them. A simple car crash, a wrong turn at the wrong signal. At the wrong place, wrong time…

_And he didn't know what to do._

It started off small. A couple beers to take off the edge. Relieve that pounding, anxious feeling nagging in the back of his head. Calm the nerves he felt constantly now but did not show.

But before he knew it, he was downing packs. A couple packs actually. He didn't even realize what was happening. That he was spiraling down a path he never should have started.

_And it was too late to go back._

…

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home_

_…_

Sakura didn't notice the first few times. Really, who wouldn't spend a few nights out late after hearing their entire family had died, just like that, in a car crash—no survivors?

She didn't notice the alcohol on his breath that grew stronger each passing week, that he was out later and later each night.

It wasn't until a couple weeks after the deaths that she began to worry. What was he doing? What was he thinking? Was he okay? He wasn't at his house yet, wasn't answering his phone—house or cell. He had stopped talking with her about things. Gradually distancing himself it seemed, pulling away.

…

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space_

_…_

He knew he was hurting her. He hated it. He knew every time he didn't call, didn't talk to her, avoided her…every time he picked up that bottle and drowned his worries in it, it was killing her slowly from the inside out. And he wanted to die because he knew he was causing her pain—something he had sworn he wouldn't do.

_…_

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_…_

He wanted to make it better, he really did. He wanted it to go back to the way it was before they died, before he started worrying, before he started drowning everything in that stupid bottle he held in his hand almost every night.

But he didn't know how.

_…_

_Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you  
…_

She wanted to help him. She tried talking to him, asked him if he wanted to go to some AA meetings. He'd just watch her with that blank look in his obsidian eyes. She didn't know if he could even hear her. Every now and then he would blink and shake his head, like coming out of a trance. Then his eyes would fix on hers again and they'd go wide—as wide as she'd ever seen them go—and suddenly he'd bolt off to somewhere and she couldn't reach him for the rest of the night…maybe even the next day.

And the day he finally decided enough was enough, was the day he found her crying, alone, at midnight, sitting on a bench, in a park.

He didn't know why she was crying at first. He wanted her to stop more than anything. Wanted to go over there, hold her close and stroke her hair till the tears leaking from those emerald eyes stopped flowing and he could see that graceful smile again. But he couldn't. His mind was fogged over, the beer stifling his thought process, making it near impossible to move.

So he listened to her quiet sobs, watched the tears stream unending down those cheeks he remembered making blush cherry red with his kisses. He strained to hear the mumbled expressions that spilled from those full lips he loved so much, only catching his name occasionally appear in the words he could catch.

And the only conclusion he could come to, was that he was the source of her pain.

Something that killed him inside and out.

His mouth found the bottle even more frequently after that.

But he had made a decision.

She had to hate him. Hate him, move on, and leave him and his drunken, undeserving self for someone better—someone who wouldn't make her cry.

So he got worse. He didn't see her for weeks. And when he did, he wouldn't say a word. Just watch her. Memorizing her face, her expressions, as sad as they were. He didn't want her to leave. But it was the only way, it seemed, to save her from him.

But it didn't work. She wouldn't hate him, it seemed, no matter what he did. He couldn't bring himself to cheat on her in front of her or in any other way. It would hurt her and him too much.

So he did what he knew he would have to do in the end.

He left.

He packed his things one night, ignoring that feeling twisting in his stomach, that voice in the back of his head telling him to stay…stay with her. He knew it was best for her. He wasn't good for her. Not while he was like this at any rate. And he had a feeling he wouldn't be able to change any time soon.

He didn't say goodbye. Well not physically anyway. He left a note—told her not to look for him, to move on. That he loved her, was sorry, but he couldn't watch it anymore.

He didn't tell her what he meant by that part at the end. Didn't write what he meant. Ignored her calls to his cell phone, just staring at the words displaying her name as they flashed, then faded, wishing she'd call again, wishing he could pick up and hear her voice just one more time…

He knew she would never know how much of help she was, to get him over his addiction when he left. The only thing he thought of was her, and it clouded his mind from anything else—even the liquid that had burned his throat so often before.

It was so easy, once he was gone, to see what went wrong.

How pathetically weak and naïve he had been from the beginning.

_…_

_I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight_

_…_

How could he have done it to her?

The one thing that was always there for him, always wanted him even when he had withered down to nothing but that half empty bottle he had held in his hands through so many nights before.

Even when his thoughts had become warped with depression and all he could think about was dying and the rage that filled him whenever he thought about their deaths.

But she had _stayed._

_…_

_You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you_

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
'Till I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands  
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away" just make a smile  
Come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered "How could you did this to me?"_

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you._

_…_

She read the note, and for what felt like the milionth time, she cried her heart out for him. She couldn't understand what he was going through—he wouldn't tell her—but she knew it hurt him. So she did her best to let him go. She didn't bother trying to move on. She knew there was no point—that there was no one but him. But she tried not to call him every five minutes, hoping he'd answer, tell her he was okay, anything to ease that aching in her heart. But he never did. And she never stopped calling.

He was glad she never stopped her annoying habit. The one where she constantly worried about him—cared—and kept calling. Otherwise, he was sure he'd give up hope. That he would have kept walking away, running from her, his problems.

Actually, maybe that wasn't completely accurate. He was entirely too selfish to stay away too long. He needed her more than that bottle, he'd come to realize. And he wanted to see her. To feel her skin against his, see that glowing smile, hear her tinkling laugh.

And every minute away was like shoving a hot iron down his throat.

So he found himself outside her doorstep, hand poised to knock.

What if she moved on?

What if she really did hate him now?

What if…

And he knocked.

Sakura swung the door open, expecting it to be her stupid friend Ino come to try and set her up with some other guy again. She opened her mouth to tell her to go away, prepared to scream until she did, but found her words drowning in her throat.

Sasuke.

Standing.

On her doorstep.

Looking at her with those same onyx eyes she remembered. Except this time, unlike the last time she saw them, they were clear, almost wide open, those tiny glints of emotion she remembered being able to catch hiding inside them.

And then he was kissing her, in a hard, almost bruising, desperate way. She easily melted into his arms, like he never left, giving in to everything she had been missing.

He pulled away long enough to look her in the eye and tell her in a quiet voice, "I'm too selfish for my own good."

"That's okay," she answered, smiling up at him. "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have lasted much longer if you weren't. And I wouldn't have you any other way."

"I love you too much, you know…"

Sakura tried not to let the tears that filled her eyes spill. He had only said those three words to her once before and it was like music to her ears.

One large hand reached up to sweep across her cheek, below her eye, in the most gentle of ways.

"Don't leave me again…" the words came out mumbled as she buried her head in his chest, not wanting him to see the tears that were now running freely down her cheeks and the blush that followed.

He reached down and pulled her chin up so he could see her eyes. Those pure innocent green eyes he had been missing so much. He leaned down and kissed away the tears.

"If I ever have to again…for your own good…I will always come back to you."

Her grip around him tightened subconsciously at the thought of him being gone again and she bit her lip, worry dominating her features.

He smiled, seeing that familiar look. "I don't plan on it anytime soon."

Sakura sighed, leaning into him once more. That was all she could ask for, she supposed. They would just have to live it day by day.

Sasuke agreed wholeheartedly with this. He masked his nose in her hair, inhaling her memorable scent of cherry blossoms.

This time, he wouldn't make a mistake. This time, he would realize she was the most important.

xXxXx

not that good, I know...ugh...review okay? I'm not too good with oneshots really, this is like pretty much my first...


End file.
